SMILE, PLEASE !
Petra HIRTLOVÁ
K létu patří i zábava, proto Vám
přinášíme několik anekdot v anglickém jazyce.
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Most intelligent
Prime Minister A plane was about to crash
and there were only three parachutes between the four passengers. The first man said
"I'm Kobe Bryant, Americas most important basketballer, I MUST
survive" he then grabbed a parachute and jumped from the
plane. The second man said
"I'm Tony Blair, Britains most intelligent ever Prime Minister, I too
MUST survive" he grabbed the next parachute & jumped from the plane
also. The third man was the Pope
and he turned to the fourth passenger, a ten year old boy, and said "I
am old son, my time is nearly up and I believe you have more to offer the
world than I do so I shall give you the the third parachute, save
yourself." The ten year old boy
replied "Thank you for your offer old man but there's still two
left - Britains most intelligent Prime Minister just took my school
backpack!" |
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Hu´s The Boss? Playwright
Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist
Party in China. 'HU'S
ON FIRST' By James Sherman (We
take you now to the Oval Office and the conversation between George Bush and
Condi Rice.) George: Condi!
Nice to see you. What's happening? And
then get me the U.N. |
Prove Your Identity |
If
a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government
sells him some of the milk.
If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the
government gives him some of the milk.
If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.
If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.
If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away
the milk.
If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one
cow and gives it to the poor.
If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at
them.
If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it.
If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.
If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.
If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.
If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.
If a government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even
label them as cows.
If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two
cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.
Supposedly
G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one
of his plays.
Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first
night. Will come second night if you have one."
Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a
friend if you have one."
The following
questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..
1.
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the
next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but
can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike
the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy!
Here´s a dilemma for you… With all your honor and
dignity what would you do?
This test only has one question, but it´s a very
important one.
Please don´t answer it whitout giving it some
serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test
where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have
to make a decision one way or the other. Remember
that your answer needs to be honest,
yet spontaneous. Please scroll down The test
features an unlikely, completely fictional situation,
where you will
have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that
your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll
down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work
accurately.
You're in
Florida...In Miami, to be exact.
There is great
chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.
There are huge
masses of water all over you.
You are a CNN
photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation
is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.
There are
houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water.
Nature is
showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you
see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken
away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks
familiar.
Suddenly you
know who it is -- it's George W. Bush!
At the same
time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever.
You have two
options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.
So you can save
the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a
unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question
(please give an honest answer):
Would you
select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?